Becoming a Mother

Everyone tells you how much your life is going to change once you have a baby, but they can only tell you how their life changed. They can't predict how your life will change. Sure some things are fundamentally the same. But some are so unique to your situation, they could not have imagined it.

The first time you look into your child's eyes you understand what the words unconditional love truly mean. This is one of the first changes you have becoming a mother. Yes, I love her father deeply, but the love I felt when I held my daughter for the first time is something I could never explain, and it has continued to grow every moment.You don't care if she wakes up in the middle of the night, or after you just put her down for a nap, because she just wants you to hold her for a little while before she goes back to sleep. You don't care if she is driving you crazy screaming in the backseat of the car just because she wants someone to play with her. Or when she throws a tantrum at 3 months old when you try to burp her before she has finished her bottle. It doesn't matter what she has done, you love her no matter what. Can you say the same for anyone else? Your spouse may come close, but come on, we all know that you can lose it on them, or blame them for something, etc. But your baby...they can do no wrong.

Some of the things that you would never think to change, ultimately changes. I can no longer just decide to go out with Ben to check on the cows, because I first have to find someone to watch Brooklynn. I  can't just go visit a friend in the morning because I know that that is Brooklynn's nap time. We can't just be spontaneous and decide, "hey, we're in town anyways, lets just go to a movie", because we have to find a babysitter, and "oh, I didnt bring a bottle". This summer, I'm not going to be able to just go out and ride with Ben in the corn picker, because I will have a 8 month old who wont want to sit still in a crowded cab. And I wont be able to help with cow stuff, without having to leave her with grandma all day. And you dont want to go anywhere for too long, because you might miss something important, like the first time she laughs (already missed that), or the first time she rolls over, crawls, walks, talks. You cant finish anything around the house because she just woke up after only being asleep for twenty minutes, or because she doesnt want to play alone on the floor.

But yes, it does mean that you can lay on the floor all day watching your favorite TV show, without feeling bad, because you are playing with her and she is having a blast on the floor. That laundry doesnt have to be done today, because you played with your daughter all day, or you rocked her to sleep and just held her for a while when you could have put her down and got to work. She is your priority, and you dont feel bad for neglecting other things that are less important so that you can spend time on the important things.

You become completely selfless, to the point where its actually a bad thing. All of your time and energy is devoted to that little baby, that you forget to take care of yourself. Everything that you used to want for yourself, you now only want for her. Like wanting daddy to come upstairs from playing Halo, not to spend time with mommy, but to spend time with his daughter. I spend more time picking out outfits for my daughter than I do on myself. I'm more interested in brushing her short soft baby hair than my own. More interested in giving her a bath than myself. Give more importance to feeding her every three hours than even giving myself three meals a day. Yes, this just shows how much you love your child, and how your world comes to revolve around them, but some days you come to resent it, not your child, but just the fact that you no longer spend anytime on yourself. This results in one well groomed-well cared for-cutely dressed-happy baby, but one sloppy-housecoat wearing-messy ponytail-unfed-just rolled out of bed momma.

And this fact leads to one of the negatives about your new role, or at least for some. Some women are lucky, and you really hate them for it. They went through their pregnancy without gaining a pound, a stretchmark, or a pant size. Some go through these things, but already by about 3 weeks postpardum, they are already back in their pre-pregnancy jeans, with no stretchmarks, and weighing less than they did before they got pregnant. And then, there are people like me. I am the one who hates these women (sorry if you are one of them, but I'm sure you understand and wont be offended). I gained way more than what they say is "normal pregnancy weight gain", got stretch marks from my belly button to my freakin calves, and still 3 months post have only lost the delivery weight, nothing more. I didnt even get normal stretchmarks, I got them where I cant hide them. Sure, if they were just on my tummy I could live with that, cuz only I would have to see them, but on the back of my knees, they are there for the whole world to see. My skin never looks nice anymore. I hate pictures now, when I didn't before, because now I have a freakin fat face, that I cant even look at. Nothing in my wardrobe fits right, even when I go out and buy new clothes, they dont look good on my anymore by the next day. I go through three outfits before I can decide on one that makes me look the least flabby and fat. Even doing myself up doesn't make me feel good like it did before, cuz I still feel awful. And then you feel terrible because other people have it so much worse than you, because you chose this, and you at least got a precious gift out of it. Some people have their bodies due to health reasons, that they have no control over.

And then you feel guilty, because sometimes you wish that your body hadnt changed. That you could go back to how you were before. And it makes you think that you are a terrible mother for wishing that, because it means that you don't really want to give up everything for your baby. Because of course other mothers don't think this, and maybe you just dont have what it takes if you cant ungrudgingly sacrifice for your child. Of course other mothers must love their children more, right? They never think this, right?

And then you remember why you let you body be changed. You only have to look down at your child, and you remember. Even though it makes you sad, and sometimes not like yourself very much or the unfairness of it, you wouldnt change it for the world. All the sacrifices that you have made, and will continue to make, are all made worth it because of that perfect little child that has been sent to you directly from your Heavenly Father. They are completely perfect, and they could not have been made that way without Heavenly Father taking a little bit of your perfection to shape them. They are that part of you that you think you have lost.