Olivia
We started off kinda rocky...she woke up every 2 hours, stayed up till 1 in the morning. She always seemed to be gassy or starving. All of that put together makes it super hard on mom's sanity when you are breastfeeding because you pretty much have no help. And I couldnt even pump for Ben to help with some of the feedings. There were lots of nights where I was in tears, at my wits. There were even some nights where I would yell at her (ok not really yell, just raised voice), begging her to tell me what she wanted. Well, we fixed all that....when I found out I had basically been starving her lol. When I took her in for her checkup she hadnt gained any weight. I knew my chances of being successful at breastfeeding this time around was slim, due to my failure with Brooklynn. So instead of fighting it, I just accepted the fact that Im a bad cow lol. We switched her to formula and things got alot better. Yes, I still did most of the night feedings, but they were fewer, and less stressful. She has since developed a decent sleep pattern, sleeps in her crib, and sleeps through the night. She usually goes to bed around 10:30 and wakes up at 6:30. Im not a morning person, and i still despise waking up so dang early, but Ill happily take it. I mean come on, whats there to complain about. Actually, Olivia has a pretty solid schedule already with naps and bed, predictable. She has been starting to coo lately, with great big smiles. We are struggling a bit with tummy time, mostly because she will just lay there. She doesnt even really care, or attempt to raise her head. But she can turn it side to side no problem, and when we are holding her she has good head control. We are working on it though. Our one main obstacle with her has been constipation from the formula, and I have to give her prune juice and lubricate her little bum to make it easier. Eww right? Last week we had to take her up to Calgary to see a cardiologist for a heart murmur. It was small, and they said it shouldnt cause any problems and should close up on its own. We have to go back in 6 months to check up on it. But other than that, she sure is a cutie.
Brooklynn
This kid sure is a handful. She is so dang smart. Combine that with her dads stubborness/attitude (lol) and you get a kid who doesnt like to do what she is told, wants to do everything herself, and pushes every button there is to push. The most annoying things right now is the throwing things when you try to take them from her, the defiant "NO", her telling us she CAN do something after we have told her no ("I can cry", "I can scream", "I can...). But...it also means that she actually CAN do alot of things. She can say her ABC's, learn new songs in seconds (her newest one is "Alouette", french for crying out loud), count to 20, speak in full paragraphs (more like novels lol), say eloquent prayers. That is one of her new things that I love...her reminding us that we have to say a prayer/blessing..."daddy, we forgot to say the blessing". Then she folds her arms and stars saying it..."Heavenly father, thank you for this day. Thank you for mommy and daddy and olivia and mavy and lizard and grandma and grandpa and uncle ryan and aunti jessica (add other family members, people, and dogs). Thank you for the food. Thank you for the "hosiple" (gospel). Thank you for the missionaries.Thank you for jesus. Thank you for "insert anything that she wants", ie that we could go to the shoppers store, for my waterbottle, etc." Its so adorable. Another thing she has learned by herself....to go potty! Last monday I got brooklynn up in the morning and she immediately told me she wanted to go potty and wear panties. I hadnt been trying to potty train her, but over the last couple weeks she had been asking us to take her pee, where she went through the motions. Well, monday she decided she wanted to potty train herself, and like everything else she has done up till now...she just did it. Today is day 9, and she has had no accidents, tells me when she has to go, and poops on the potty too. We havent braved night time yet, but she wakes up with basically dry diapers. I am so astounded...and so proud of her. Lol and she knows it too :) Half of the times she pees, when she is finished she looks at me and smiles "Youre so proud of me". I truely am. Its amazing that she just did it herself like that. Brooklynn has adapted well to Olivia, and she is such a good sister. She holds her on the couch, moving her gently off her lap onto the couch when she is done or needs to get up. She talks to her all the time..."you're wide awake! She's so sweet! A-goo! Stretch out olivia! Thats a good burp! Do you need some more dinner?" She is also good at putting her soother in when she cries, or tries to feed her her bottle when she is crying. She has been so good with her. But, like i said, she has been a real handful, and sometimes a huge pain in the butt. There are lots of nights where I just plop her in bed, give her a quick kiss, then book it out of the room before I lose my freaking mind. Lots of times either Ben or I will say "Daddy/Mom! Put her to bed before Olivia becomes an only child!" Then one of us will rescue the other from losing it lol.
I seem to be almost losing it alot lately. Two months. Two months of raising two kids...if you can call it that. Its more like two months of keeping two kids alive. I knew that two kids would be harder than 1. I knew that it would be harder to juggle both, to take care of a baby and a toddler at the same time, both requiring completely different things. What I hadnt prepared for, even though i knew it was bound to happen, was the impact that it would have on me....having two people need me. Yes, before Olivia, Brooklynn needed me all the time, and most of my time was devoted to her. I didnt have much 'me' time before, I have about the same amount now. But the intensity of those needed hours, where two need you, not just one....its crippling. Mentally and physically exhausting. Now, Im going to say something that every mother is/has/or will be thinking......
I love my girls. I wouldnt trade anything for them. I love being a mom, and watching them both change and grow. Being a mother is what I was made for, what I have always wanted, my divine calling, my desire. But....sometimes I feel like I am not cut out to be a mother. Sometimes I feel like a failure, like I shouldnt have had kids because I cant do it. That even having these thoughts confirms my doubts....no way do other moms think like this. No way do other mothers sometimes wish away their children, imagine what it would be like if they were never born. How easy it would be to go back to when it was just the two of you, a young happy couple. Or even just to when it was you. How easy it was then. Sure you had other problems, but they were different. You didnt have someone who needed you, every second of every day. You didnt feel you had lost yourself, lost the "me". Because Im not just "me" anymore....Im a wife, cook, maid, life planner. Im a nother, a caregiver, a nurse, a hug and kiss, a disciplinary, a teacher, a preacher, a zoo keeper. And sometimes, you just need a break, a break that you never truly get. A break to do what you want, when you want, why you want. But, that is who you are....you ARE a wife, you ARE a mother. And you are not alone, because every other mother out there, even though she may be completely different and do things differently, is exactly the same as you. This is who we are, even though we dont have time to know that person in the mirror. Its a hard thing to accept, a harder thing to admit. Because surely Im the only one who feels this way. Wrong. All mothers do. This is my shout out to all the other mothers and wives out there who are feeling this right now. Its okay to feel this way, its completely natural....if you dont, you must be super-natural, and the mere humans envy you. But, we will continue to do it, because we know why we do it. We love it. We love them. We wouldnt trade them for anything. Being a mother is our greatest gift and blessing, even when we doubt it or forget it.
Enough of the heavy, here's some pictures :)
